Four weeks until I leave.
I can hardly put my excitement into words. I’ve said “I’m SO excited!” 284,187 times in the past two months…and that just doesn’t describe how I actually feel!
And yet my heart is already breaking…
God is working on my heart concerning the destitute and unloved more all the time. During the quiet moments throughout my day, my mind travels. Sometimes to a dark dingy alleyway with a young child standing in an empty doorway–he has never experienced love. Sometimes to a crusty riverbank where a young mother with a baby on her back is trying to fill her water jug with the little bit of stagnant polluted water left. Sometimes to a rundown hut where a few children are struggling to stay alive without anyone to love them or care for them–they haven’t eaten in weeks. Sometimes to a broken home where children are being neglected and abused merely because they aren’t wanted by their father’s latest wife. Sometimes to a dingy building in the middle of a big city where girls are crying and no one hears them except those who have caused it. Sometimes to the person in line at the grocery store who is broken and hurting inside and doesn’t know where to turn. These are all real pictures that have flashed through my mind in the past few days…my heart aches. Just last night as I lay in bed trying to get to sleep, tears rolled down my cheeks once again as I thought of the millions of unloved children, unloved girls, poor mothers who have to watch their children suffer and die… My heart is breaking.
I fall on my face and cry out to God….I wrestle to know how there can even be such destitution and pain….I plead to know what I can do, I beg to know how I can show God’s love to everyone I see. I pray and cry that God would take my life and break it…and to then rebuild it with His own hands. I pray that each day I would see God at work around me and that I would not be able to return to life as I previously knew it. I pray that self and flesh would have no place in my life…so that God may have free reign to use me in whatever situation He sees fit.
Humble me, Lord…and continue breaking my heart.
I long to be in Africa right now. I would leave today if that were a possibility… But, God is teaching me even through this time of waiting…showing me His heart, teaching me patience, preparing me to never be the same, proving His faithfulness over and over.
“I have set the Lord always before me: because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope. …Thou wilt show me the path of life: in Thy presence is fullness of joy; at Thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore. …As for me I will behold Thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with Thy likeness. …I will love Thee, O Lord, my strength. …I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies. …For Thou wilt light my candle: the Lord God will enlighten my darkness. …As for God, His way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: He is a buckler to all those that trust in Him. For who is God save the Lord? or who is a rock save our God? …Thou hast also given me the shield of Thy salvation: and Thy right hand hath holden me up, and Thy gentleness hath made me great. …The Lord liveth; and blessed by my rock; and let the God of my salvation be exalted!” (Excerpts from Psalm 16, 17, and 18)